Well, you’ve not exactly been impatiently clamouring for the final part, which leaves me thinking maybe I’m talking to thin air. If that’s the case, then thank you, air, for being a wonderful audience. And also my mother, who I presume is still reading. If she isn’t, then it’s a sad day for my readership numbers… they’ll probably halve.
If you’ve not read the earlier parts, then start here.
So, here we are with the anti-climactic final part.
TOAST (continued, continued)
TOM: One of us should go and check. You went first last time, so it’s my turn.
TOM: I’m just going upstairs, to get dressed, while I wait for the toast.
Mike sees him leaving, and realises he’s been tricked.
MIKE: W-! oh, never mind.
GIRL: Come and have a bowl of cereal.
MIKE: Okay, but erm… just a small one.
He sits down.
MIKE (cautious): Well what?
GIRL: Go and get a bowl.
MIKE: Oh. Right.
GIRL: I think you need to drink more of that coffee.
Mike looks at his cold cup of coffee.
MIKE: Maybe later.
He stands to get the bowl. She rises too, and goes over to him.
GIRL (smiling curiously again): You know, Mike, you’re acting very strangely. Are you sure you can remember happened last night?
MIKE: Yes! Of course I remember! Well… bits of it…
Short pause. She looks at him.
MIKE: I remember meeting you…
GIRL: (starting to catch on) Oh yeah.
MIKE: I was… with Tom…
GIRL: He’d just gone to the toilet.
MIKE: Yeah, he’d just gone to the toilet. Little details, I can’t remember, that’s all.
MIKE: He never had good bladder control, Tom.
GIRL (laughing): I know.
This really unnerves Mike again.
GIRL: But I thought he was being sick.
MIKE: You’d remember better than me. You were sober.
GIRL (sidling really close to Mike): Come on, Mike. Tom’s upstairs. He can’t hear us. You don’t have to keep up the act…
MIKE: I don’t?
She puts her hand on his chest.
MIKE: You – you’re right, I don’t.
He leans in towards her for a kiss, and the toast pops up. They both pull back in surprise at the noise.
GIRL: Oh, it’s only the toast. Now where were we?
They move in close again, when Tom bursts into the room. They pull back quickly.
TOM: Was that the toast?
MIKE (straightening his shirt): Yes, it was. (bitter) You dressed quickly.
GIRL: And now I’d better dress, or I’ll be late. (looks seductively at Mike)
MIKE: Late? Late for – ?
TOM (interrupting): Yes, you’d better hurry.
Girl leaves. Mike starts to follow. Tom grabs him.
TOM: What are you doing? Don’t start asking questions now, you almost gave the game away!
MIKE (distracted, looking eagerly out of the door after her): Oh. Sorry. What did you find out?
TOM: It’s strange. I think I slept in my bed, and you in yours…
MIKE: Yeah, yeah.
TOM: But I’ve got no idea where she slept.
MIKE: I could guess.
TOM: Did you find anything out?
MIKE: That I met her when you were being sick, and that she said she “knows” you have bad bladder control.
TOM: That doesn’t help much.
TOM: But she said she knew I burnt the toast… so, I mean, it must have been me, really?
MIKE: Listen. Tom. It’s just that… well… you said she looked like your mother.
MIKE: Only with less of the –
TOM: Yeah, but what’s your point?
MIKE: Well, it’s obvious, isn’t it? You can’t take a girl like that home to meet the parents. Oedipal complex and all that. SO embarrassing. Plus, your dad would probably –
TOM: Yeah, but who said anything about taking her home. I’m just talking about last night.
MIKE: Yeah, well, about that. I’m thinking about it logically now, and you know (looks out towards staircase like that)… a girl like that… she’s… she’s kind of out of your league.
MIKE: No offence, mate, but… I don’t mean it like that, it’s just girls like that know what they want.
TOM: And what’s wrong with what I’ve got to offer!
MIKE: Well, you could stand to lose a few –
TOM: It’s all muscle! (Pause) Muscle weighs more than fat!
MIKE: And you’ve got a great personality, but girls can’t tell that from one night.
TOM: Great personality!?
MIKE (thinks he’s getting the idea. Eyes the door again) There you go mate. And you’re always telling jokes – like that drinking problem one. Very funny.
TOM: Girls like her leap at me every night! I’m beating them off with a stick!
MIKE: Look, I don’t want to hear about what you get up to in private!
TOM: Listen, she obviously came back with me. It’s about time you sat back and accepted –
MIKE (pointing casually): Oh, your toast’s ready!
Tom looks at the toast, and starts to pick it out of the toaster. Mike sees his chance and sprints for the door.
TOM: What! You can’t go up now, she’s getting dressed!
Tom turns back to the toast, realising he’s burning his fingers off. He throws the toast down onto the side, and turns to chase Mike upstairs. The phone rings. Tom looks at the phone, then the toast, then upstairs, and moves to pick it up.
TOM: Hello? …… oh, hi Mum!…… Funny, we’ve just been talking about you!…. Oh, nothing… I’m fine, and you?………… is she? (he glances upstairs) …… no, not yet…… well, that’s good to know……yeah….. listen, this isn’t a great time. I’ll ring you up later and – ……. Yeah……. Okay, lunchtime……. Okay. Speak to you soon… bye.
He puts the phone down.
TOM: Mike? Could you come here for a minute?
The girl storms into the room, pulling her shoes on.
GIRL: What the hell does he think he’s doing?
TOM: You’ve grown a lot since I last saw you.
GIRL: Your friend – oh, (smiling) finally cottoned on, have you? I thought you’d get to it in your own time. You should have seen your faces first thing this morning when I walked in! I certainly confused Mike a bit earlier, for a laugh, but… perhaps I took it a little too far.
TOM: Oh, did he – and you –
GIRL: It’s my own fault really. I could’ve put him out of his misery, but… it was funny messing around with him first.
TOM: Maybe we could catch up sometime – go out for a drink?
She looks at him, grinning.
TOM: Okay, maybe not too much to drink.
GIRL: I’d love that, Tom.
She kisses him on the cheek, as Mike enters.
GIRL: Call me.
MIKE: What the hell do you –
TOM: Stop. After all, what’s a kiss between cousins?
TOM: She’s my cousin.
MIKE: Oh, yeah, like I’d believe –
TOM: The phone rang just now. It was my mum, ringing to say Cousin Angela had just come into town and that I should meet up with her. And now I think about it, she’s got Uncle Henry’s –
MIKE: Hang on a minute – you said she –
TOM: Yeah, I haven’t seen her for 6 years. She’s grown a bit, that’s for sure.
MIKE: But she –
TOM: She figured us out. Probably right from the start, she could tell we couldn’t remember a thing. So she thought she’d joke around a bit. Mostly with you, it seems, although that toast thing had me flummoxed. (to himself) Hang on – 6 years ago – I had good bladder control. Cheeky minx.
MIKE: But where –?
TOM: Slept on the sofa, probably.
MIKE: Oh. Oh, well, it was fun while it lasted.
A short pause.
TOM: Make it two.